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These Morons Can’t Do Anything Right: Fed’s New CBDC Hacked Just Six Days After Its Launch



We spend a lot of time wondering about the future and where all of this crazy will go in a world full of unthinkable nonsense.

"Future Headline Friday" is our satirical take on where the world is headed if things continue as they are. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, you can be confident that everything we write is based on true events, news reports, characters, and pending legislation.

On September 1, 2029, the Fed's new CDBC "FedCoin" was hacked after only six days. Since the FedCoin system fell offline over 36 hours ago, neither the Treasury Department nor the Federal Reserve have commented on the problems.

But, as far as we can tell, the difficulties began six days after the debut of the much-touted digital currency designed to replace the US dollar. Rumors began to circulate on the dark web that a hacker organization calling itself Reserve Raiders had entered the FedCoin systems and transferred $10 billion to itself.

According to one purported member, "FedCoin's security was equivalent to one of those spring locks you can open by sliding a credit card between the doors." It screams "I'm eight months away from retirement."

"We could have taken any amount we wanted—just kept adding zeros," said another. We stopped at $10 billion because we simply felt horrible. And, of course, if we conjured up too much money to steal, it would just hyperinflate and become useless to us."

Only a few hours later, the entire FedCoin infrastructure failed. This includes FedCoin's online bond marketplace, as well as checking and savings accounts. The status of the already purchased bonds is unknown, but off-market evidence indicate that people are lined up to panic-sell them as soon as the system is restored.

Personal wallets, into which the Fed deposited $20 in FedCoin for each user who downloaded the wallet before the launch on August 25, are also unavailable. "I figured I'd just use the $20 to buy a pack of gum," one user explained to us outside a 7/11. "I was able to open the app, but the transfer did not complete." "All I kept getting was a timeout error message."

JP Morgan, an early institutional adopter, swapped approximately $200 billion in traditional USD deposits for the same amount of FedCoin. Bank consumers are now concerned about the security of the new digital currency.

JP Morgan reassured consumers that the Fed had informally assured them that their deposits were secure. "And anyway," the bank's CEO pointed out, "if the money was lost, the government would simply print more to bail us out." We've been strong advocates of their FedCoin project, and they wouldn't abandon us."

Some experts believe that because FedCoin is traceable, hackers will be unable to spend it. Others, however, suggest that it would be simple to utilize a "tumbler" to exchange stolen assets for lawfully acquired FedCoin. However, this would necessitate a massive and complex laundering operation—unless, of course, privately held monies are as easily hacked as the Federal Reserve's system.

As a result, many believe that the entire FedCoin system went offline in a frantic attempt by the government to freeze the cash before any further damage was done.

But, once again, we won't have definitive answers until the Treasury and Fed decide to publish a statement. These idiots are incapable of doing anything correctly: Six days after its launch, the Fed's new CDBC was hijacked.


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